For a couple of days I have been a stalker.
It all started with me cleaning my E-mail. You see, my Gmail account was full of Facebook notifications, JobsDB updates and other articles I did not know I ever subscribed to. So three weeks ago, I decided to clean it up. I was deleting unimportant emails from unimportant people until I ran into something I thought I have deleted up years ago: EMAILS and chat logs from a former lover.
I never intended to reminisce and re-live the pain of my former relationship but I was very engrossed and I guess I wanted to know and see what those mails were about. I seriously have long forgotten about him and what happened to us. I knew I have forgiven him for screwing up my life and I have asked God for healing and restoration which He blessed me with a long time ago.
But seeing and re-reading those mails made me hate him again. I don’t know but something happened as I went through the letters.. I felt angry and hurt again! I didn’t really like the feeling and I wish I stopped reading then and there… but I didn’t. I kept on reading and reading… until I was angry again. My heart was hurt again.
And I did another thing which I am not proud of: I searched him on Facebook. I know, I know!! It really is pathetic of me and I didn’t know what the heck I was thinking but I kept on searching and searching until poof! I found him.
I wouldn’t go into detail but it was him and he seemed really happy.
I wish I stopped there, really.. but I didn’t. I stalked and stalked and saw photos and people and well, I saw proof of his happiness. He seemed really happy with his life.
After I decided it was finally time to stop stalking him, I shut my laptop down and I stared blankly at my monitor.
I felt really mad at myself for what I did but what’s most pathetic is that I felt mad at him..AGAIN.
All those angst and hatred came back to me and I felt like how I was feeling exactly 3 years ago. I felt that it was unfair for him to be happy because of what he did in my life. That he should suffer! His life should be horrible.
The sad part is that I kept on doing this for the next 2 or 3 days and I kept on feeling the anger and pain that I was feeling since he left me.
And I grew sadder and sadder every day…..
At first I did not know why I was starting to get depressed. Of course my hormones were extremely high that time and I was having a rough week at work but something still wasn’t right. I was feeling sorry for myself. I was still very, very sad.. like literally, I was crying every single night.
Until the Lord gave me a thud, woke me up and opened my eyes to see the reason why I have been feeling very low.
You know, this wouldn’t have happened if 3 years ago I stopped and deleted the emails. This wouldn’t have happened if 3 years ago I made a decision and chose to move on with my life. This wouldn’t have happened if I did not open the mail, if I did not go on with the reading and re-living of the pain.
I have been carrying junk the entire 3 years and now this pile of junk has got to go.
I have sought for God’s healing a few years ago and declared His healing in my life. I have long forgotten the pain the relationship has caused me. I have forgiven and blessed the person who has hurt me so much.
But instead of moving forward, I stepped backward, and again I went back to hating him by reminiscing and re-living everything that he did in my life.
You know most of us are stuck in the same situation over and over again. We get trapped into broken relationships, we mourn over the loss of a loved one every single day… and we re-live the pain and brokenness we once had.
We cannot move on unless we decide it’s time for us to move on.
When you are tempted to sit around feeling sorry for yourself, complaining about how unfair life is, ask yourself a tough question, “do I really want to get well, or have I gotten comfortable with where I am in life?” Don’t ever let your setback become your identity. To put it bluntly, you’ve got to get over that. Quit talking about it. Quit opening up that old wound time and time again. You may have been severely wounded by a divorce; it’s time to let go. Move on. Quit mourning about something you can’t change. You must let go of your shattered dreams if you want God to give you fresh, new dreams. Quit dwelling on your disappointments. Forgive the people who have hurt you. Release any remaining bitterness, and then God will give you a new beginning.
Joel Osteen, You Best Life Begins Each Morning
Every time I get tempted to feel sorry for myself, I will remind myself of this saying. I will remind myself that my words have the power to change my situation. I will remind myself that I have been healed, that the Lord has been working on me since day one.. and that there may be times that I will fall, but I should never, ever get trapped in my situation. The Lord will pick me up over and over again.
And oh, seriously, stalking an ex?? Who does that? Haha.
We can never move forward unless we stop walking backward.